12 Sundays with Dad

For almost two weeks now I have been experiencing a writers’ bloc due to stress at work. I’ve been wanting to write this for two weeks now. And so now, even though I might lack sleep in the process, I will finish this blog entry.I wonder how many people out there actually spend time to think about the most memorable experiences they had with their fathers? Thanks to the commercialized Fathers’ Day that is celebrated during the month of June, fathers are now given a chance to be honored and remembered more frequently than in previous decades in our society. Yet behind all the celebrations, I realized that it is only when Death knocks on our doors and takes away a loved one that we begin to reminisce on the past, making it even harder to let go of the dead as they linger throughout the house through the stories and memories akin to the most expensive perfumes and scented incense that stick to the very walls and furniture of the house.

 

So I am taking this opportunity to think of the times that I spent with my dad. Or rather, it is actually the other way around. Although I am 28 years old, I realized that I have never been proactive in spending time with my dad. I just go to the province once in a while because I know that they want me to be there. It is actually more of obligation than out of the goodness of my heart that I go there. But now, as I ponder about the past, it just moves me.

 

1. I remember the time that he bought a bike for me when I was a kid. We used to go biking together on Sunday afternoons, and then we would proceed to grandpa’s house and he would lounge around to watch the latest PBA . But what was significant about it is that my bike had those two smaller wheels that served as stabilizers. About two years using the bike, he wrenched it out and I was shocked! He didn’t explain to me why he did it! He just told me that it was time for me to learn how to ride a bike without the supporters. And so, with fear and trembling I gave it a try. I remember crying a bit trying to balance the bike and all and suffering a few cuts and bruises whenever I fell on the side of the road. But all through that time when I was learning to balance the bike, my dad was just there for me and didn’t give up on me until I was finally able to go beyond the wobbly path that the bike took from my pace and stride. He waited till I was able to balance the bike well enough for me to speed up and move around the neighborhood. Come to think of it, my dad taught me that there’s nothing to fear but fear itself, and that maturity involves trying new things and growing into new things. All that from a bike.

 

2. I also remember how he typed my report for a Filpino subject and computerized my paper back in 1987. Back then having a computer and a computer printer was a novelty. One was considered rich when one owned one. Well, although we had one it was really for functionality as it was my dad’s job to layout and edit articles for the PR company that he worked for. But man, it is only now that I begin to appreciate the little things he did for me when I was a kid. This too he did on a sunday evening up till earning morning of Monday. I remember hearing the printer rattling away in the middle of the night [there were no inkjet printers then] that jostled me out of bed as I slept in the living room for most part of my life at home and till now when all the siblings come together. Imagine, is this how a dad lives a life with children growing up? One has deadlines at work and brings it home, and yet manages to finish the school project of his kid? I am barely coherent when I lack sleep, and yet my dad was wide awake when he gave me the printed paper project due for class that Monday morning. I didn’t get a high grade for the paper, because my teacher said that I shouldn’t have computerized it and involved my dad in it. Wow. And I thought that they encouraged to participate more in their child’s education.

 

3. A few years after that, my father called me while I was watching Saturday morning cartoons of Voltron and Voltes 5. He was insistent that I learn how to use a new software program that he believed would really be around for a long time to come. He introduced me to Microsoft Windows. It was crude, a green screen and so many things that I had to read in the screen that are now taken for granted as icons and buttons to be clicked. It was from my dad that I learned how to use the computer and how to appreciate technology. Thanks Dad, for teaching me to use a computer more efficiently.

 

4. In high school, I recall that there are times that my mother would have to be out of town and it would be my dad and me left alone in the house with my little sister. During those trying times, I would insist that he spend some time away from the computer screen and play chess with me. After some prodding, he did play chess with me but would beat me at every game. He told me I really should practice more, and that I should be more patient in thinking about my strategy. Maybe that’s also why I have patience in thinking things through and planning ahead. I didn’t know it back then, yet my dad was actually teaching me more through the actions of his life the life skills that I would be needing in college and also in life.

 

5. It was somewhere along that time when dad was working at home in front of the computer that he would invite me to go grocery shopping for the family. That was strange. I really wonder if there are really fathers out there who do the groceries with their kids. I know moms bring their kids, and sometimes they don’t like the results as some kids are insistent on getting those sugary cereals and candy bars. My dad would hand me about 100 pesos, and then he would inform me that I should be able to make everything fit into that budget. So I guess you could say that my dad taught me how to manage money as well. This took place several times too, over a span of about two to three years from what I recall. I was just happy being able to do the grocery. Man, I was so domesticated back then! I even learned how to cook perfect eggs through my dad and how to cook beef patties! Those two were the only things that my dad was good at cooking.

 

6. During college, among the highlights that I spent my time with my dad is that my father visited me at the dormitory during our open house. Although I invited my dad, I really didn’t expect that he would actually come over to visit me. It was a big shock for me as there was an activity at the dorm and each dormitory floor had a theme. It just happened that at the time, our floor decided that our theme would be imitating the girls’ wing. So the entire third floor of men’s wing was painted, plastered and covered in pink and pretty colors. We borrowed clothes and shoes from our lady friends to wear during the judging period. Man, I realized that being a woman is in some ways tougher than being a man, because wearing heels kills. Not to mention, I became conscious of how I sat down because I wore a mini skirt and a tube to boot. Oh yes, my dad saw me wearing it. It really freaked me out! But he was just smiling. He found it quite amusing when I explained it to him. To see him smiling and just laughing at me in a nice way made me feel good either. For it was extremely rare that I would see a smile on his face or even a jolt of laughter from regular poker face and stern countenance.

 

7. My father gave me a Movado watch that was given to him last year. It’s my first real watch as all my previous watches were kiddie watches that I got through MacDonald’s. And during my third year in college, he bought me a belt to wear for my pants at Christmas. I was never really into proper grooming and stuff, but because of that belt that he gave me, I slowly began to be more conscious about the way I appear and I began to appreciate men’s accessories.

 

8. Before I went to college to study, he treated me out to Halu-halo at a nearby restaurant in Batangas City and gave me two words of wisdom. He just told me that I should not forget to read my bible and also to always pray to God and not forget to revere him. For a person who was a chain smoker and drank quite a lot [not so much now], this was really a big surprise for me. And yet, whenever I get the chance to wake up earlier than usual, I do catch him reading the Bible in front of the computer. In fact, when I went through the printed version of the Bible he had, it was littered with written questions and observations that he had of each particular passage. Apparently he read the entire Bible as almost each page had a comment or question! I found out about this quite recently. It made me appreciate and respect him more, because it seemed to me that he also struggled with his faith in God. I was no longer alone in my questions and doubts.

 

9. Three years ago, he asked me to walk with him to the park. He wanted to talk to me about my future, but more specifically, he wanted to discuss about my article [please click the page Grace-Healed Eyes also in this blog] that got published in a national daily. He said that he does understand, and that he feels bad about what happened to me. But he also admitted that he failed in some aspects, like the way that he couldn’t talk to me about serious matters more regularly, or that he wasn’t conscious enough that time was slipping away and I was already an adult. He too felt the ravages of time distance us as I spent more time with the christian fellowship than I did back home as I couldn’t get past the pain of my past memories of that province. Yet after that talk, I felt relieved. He still wishes me to get married and have kids of my own, but he has also accepted the reality that it may never happen anymore. I finally saw him as someone who was fragile, who felt pain but couldn’t express it. A man who wanted to love his son the best possible way but ended only estranging him further through his silence and non-action. Yet from that moment on, a cloud of hatred and mistrust just disappeared that hovered my head like a stormy rain for years. The pain slowly disappeared. Is it because that finally, I have truly learned to forgive and get past the pain? I would like to think so.

 

10. During my elementary days, my dad bought me only a few toys as the family couldn’t afford to splurge. So I cannot forget that he bought Egon Spengler action figure for me! In retrospect, I remember that I didn’t push for us to go to Manila to watch Ghostbusters II. My dad set the date to watch the movie, and we went to Manila. Over the weekend we watched a movie, ate pizza and he even bought me two more new Ghostbuster toys. I was only able to retain Egon as my mother gave away Ray and Winston action figures. Nevertheless, this took place when I was in fourth grade. I lived in the province and movies back then reach the province about one month to three months after it was shown in Metro Manila. Why did he single me out back then? I was his only son, but for the most part of my life I never felt special. Yet I remember what my bible study leader Kuya Glenn said to me — “Whatever little good memories that you have with your father, dwell on them. Ponder them and be thankful for them. For some don’t get the chance to have a real dad. And there are times that even a flawed dad who cannot relate to his son is still better than none at all. So just be there for him, and continue to pray for him.” He said that to me back in 1996 when I was in my second year in college.

 

11. Another memory that I can’t forget is talking and eating past midnight, early Sunday discussing my future. My dad just blurted out that I would be more financially successful than he ever was. He can see that I am a very driven person. And he said that if I wanted to be effective as a writer/researcher I should consider working abroad for a few years like Singapore or Hong Kong. He said that he has no doubts that I could make it there. Wow. For my dad to say those things, it made me really remember the time because I really do have only a dozen memories that I can’t forget with dad. Yet it was also during that time that I began thinking of becoming a freelancer. With the encouragement of friends and a lot of prayer, I embarked on the life of a freelancer last March 2006. And now, I thank God that I am still around and things are slowly picking up. For me, the precious words of encouragement that my father told me proved to be one of the most important things that made me go on. As an adult, I now see that I do have a cheering squad and it is composed of a few persons in my life and one my biggest fan is my own dad!

 

12. But of all the memories that I had with my dad, it was when there were visitors in the house that I couldn’t forget and I could still paint the picture vividly till now. I was waiting for the visitors to leave the house because I slept in the living room. I fell asleep on the chair in the dining room area. I recall being nudged gently, and I remember that my dad gently picked me up. I was already seven years old at this time, and yet he just lifted me and carried me softly and placed me at their bed where mom and dad slept. I could never forget that I felt his warm body, his strong arms and yet his gentle spirit that enveloped me and just made me feel better than usual. For me, it was the ultimate affirmation of love. It also made me think — is this how God embraces us and comforts us in our trials? The image of the father has been quite negative in the past two decades for me as it is only at this stage of my life that I was able to muster a dozen good memories with him. I’ve struggled with the very idea of even considering God as my Heavenly Father.

 

Try as I might to dig deeper, there’s just nothing to dig. But if you notice the 12 memories, almost half of it took place during my adult life. Most of all, almost all of them took place on a Sunday. That’s why I entitled it 12 Sundays with Dad. This is one reason why I haven’t considered working abroad yet. I want to be able to go to the province once in a while and spend time with my family, especially with my dad. When I adopt two kids in the future, I want them to know that they had a grandfather who knew how to show love in action. That despite his addiction to cigarettes and occasionally drinking with his buddies; he knew how to teach life lessons that have stayed with me. I am not a person without fear. But now I can take risks in my career and in the relationships that I try to build. Beyond shifting shadows I know that I was loved by my dad and that love has carved its way into the crevices of my heart, soul and being. And it is this love that has added to my greater understanding the dynamics of walking with an invisible God.

 

Thanks Dad, this entry’s for you. Here’s hoping that life would grant us another dozen memories to live for. I love you.

Travel Calendar

It’s only the month of March, but my calendar is already almost full of activities for the entire year. This is brought about by the fact that I found friends who had a similar interest in traveling and that I am the type of person who needs to go on vacation regularly to keep my sanity intact. Although I dream of taking European vacations, I am still blessed to travel our beautiful country — The Philippines. How I wish that the political climate and safety would improve to attract more tourists. But more on that in another entry. For now, I would just like to share what’s going to happen in the months ahead.

 

For April, I will be joining Gymboxer going to Sagada and Banawe. Originally we planned to hike Mount Pulag, but because of circumstances that was beyond my control, it won’t push through. I felt bad about it, but I just have to deal with the fact that plans change abruptly.

 

For May, I will be attending a wedding in Baguio City. One of the students that I lead in a bible study in college is getting married. The family finally decided on a date and month. The parents have already informed me about it and I already marked it in my calendar.

 

The month of June will bring me back to the island of Mindanao. This time though, it would be my first time to stay in Bukidnon visiting a former churchmate who resides there and is now building her own family. We were able to book tickets through Cebu Pacific during the first two days and the roundtrip tickets only cost 2,500 pesos. Not bad.

 

In July, there’s a tentative schedule to go to Sagada with a friend. I will be a spiritual director for him during his midyear spiritual retreat.

 

The last week of October till the first week of November will take me to Bangkok, Angkor Wat and Ho Chi Minh City. I am trying to coordinate with my US based boss to let me do some work there, so that they could perhaps send me at least a “living allowance” support for the trip. That way I don’t have to spend that much.

 

And so there you have it folks. A year of travel and adventure. Wow, it is in moments like this that makes me excited about what life has to offer. It reminds me again of the verse in the books of Psalms — “those who sow in tears would reap in songs of joy.” Truly God is good because through the painful years that I’ve had, I am now reaping momentous events in my career and relationships. I hope all these things push through this year, because we all know how plans can change and that there are forces of nature that are beyond our control.

 

 

 

Meet Freddie [SE P990i]

A few weeks ago I bought a SEP990i. It’s the first smartphone or pda phone that I ever bought. And it is the first mobile phone that I bought that was more than 5,000 pesos. For the longest time now, I have been resisting the temptation to purchase a pda phone in spite of the fact that some of my friends already thought that I needed one.

 

I keep telling them back then [about five years back] that the technology will develop further and I do not see the need for it yet. Although I was an executive assistant for two years in a law firm, I really didn’t see the need for it as well. I wasn’t as mobile in my job as I am now, and I rarely needed to access the internet for anything else except for email. So why would I need a gadget that would only cost me money that would go down the drain?

 

There are principles that my boss, Atty. Medrano inculcated to us whenever making a purchase. First, he said that if we could afford paying it in cash, then by all means that is a good reason to buy. Second, if it involves something of an electronic nature — such as a television or computer; the question that should bother us is that will this machine or contraption make life easier for us? The other question is that will this help generate more income for us? If the answer to all the questions is a resounding NO, then it is not a good purchase at all as most products and goods perish and lose their value over time. It is only the price of land that appreciates in value over time.

 

Nevertheless, I also pay attention to the wisdom of my new boss. I remember the first time we met in the Filipinas Heritage Library. We were regular researchers there for a time as she was just starting her office back then. I remember that I shared with her that I wanted to become a freelance writer. She then encouraged me that if I was serious about it, then I ought to save up for a laptop. Wow. As if that was as easy as buying a MacDonald’s Happy Meal! Back then, my income was only 10k a month [not really that far from my present income either], but I wasn’t that good at managing my finances [I am still in the process of figuring that out as well]. So it took me a few more years before I was able to purchase my first laptop, a Toshiba [about a year ago].

 

The laptop served me well as it helped me in my work. In fact, it did help me generate income as I needed my own computer to write my stuff and I was becoming more mobile as well. Business wasn’t that good last year, as I was merely beginning a new life as a freelance writer. Nevertheless, I survived and things were slowly warming up at yearend. So much so that I almost missed a crucial meeting with a potential client in Makati! It was a good thing that I set an alarm for it in my mobile phone.

 

To cut things short, I always have a high regard for my boss and their opinions. So when I was encouraged that I should save up for a pda phone, I took that as a sign that it is indeed time for me to get one.

 

So at the end of the month of February, I trooped to SM North EDSA’s Cyber Zone and purchased a Sony Ericsson P990i. Similar to my laptop, I gave a name to it. Since it functions as a phone and pda, I gave it the name Freddie. Freddie stands for two icons that I respect — Freddy Mercury and Freddy Kreuger. Why the split personality? Well, I draw inspiration from one of the characters in HEROES, Niki who happens to have a split personality.

 

And it has been about three weeks now since I’ve had Freddie.

 

So what do I like about Freddy?

 

The first thing that I like about it and the main reason I got it in the first place is its organizer function. I could set an alarm for almost ALL the schedules that I needed to keep. Furthermore, I could sync Freddi with Trinity [the Dell laptop that I am currently using] which syncs everything from my contacts, emails and schedule.

 

The second most important feature for me is the wireless internet built into it. Okay, so I still need access to Airborne Access or to the wireless network that’s within range. But that’s cool, because I don’t have to bring Trinity all the time. She packs in at around 4 kilos. And that doesn’t include the other things that I lug around in my backpack. With Freddy, things are lighter as I still do most of my work at home or at the office. Lately it has been at home as I haven’t been to the office in about two weeks now. Freddie makes things easier for me as all I need is to check on my email. In fact, I am trying to figure out how to upload videos and also make the Flash player work so I could also view streaming videos in Freddie.

 

Third feature that I like about Freddie is the camera. It has a 2 Megapixel camera. It takes very good pictures during the daytime! It doesn’t perform well during the night time, although it does have a night mode feature. Nevertheless, I never really purchased this for the camera. This is just a bonus for me. The following is an exampled of pictures taken by Freddie.

 

 

This was taken at Serendra, on February 27. Fanatic Informant is here with Chong and Ian.

 

 

Here’s Fanatic Informant, drowsy since he had a jampacked day of coming from a wake at a funeral parlor, an event for an IT company and he even came from the gym prior to having dinner with friends.

 

Speaking of bonuses, the fourth feature that blew me away is the built in FM radio and mp3 player. All I need do is purchase a higher capacity memory card for Freddie and it would act like an iPod for me. Okay, it’s not an iPod and never will. But then, the sound quality through the stereo headset is more than enough for me. Besides, the memory cards are now cheaper than ever! Before they cost around 5,000 to 7,500 pesos. Now I can purchase a 4GB memory card for around 2,500 to 3,000 pesos! Although I do not have the budget to purchase the card right now, I do plan to get one as the existing one that comes with the phone isn’t enough even for mobile internet purposes. It crashes most of the time especially when there’s an email that involves heavy graphic design or attachments. Freddie can’t do multitasking either, as I once tried using the mp3 and surfing the internet at the same time. The system memory just couldn’t handle such a task.

 

Finally, I like the fact that it has a pocket office edition of Word, Excel and Powerpoint. I can edit Word, Excel and Powerpoint documents on the go for my articles! I can also view pdf documents that are sent to me over the email! Alas, though I could edit powerpoint documents, I cannot add new slides. That’s the only limitation that the pocket office edition brings into the SE P990i.

So was it worth the expense? This thing costs me 32,000 pesos. Well, right now all indicators point that it is indeed worth it. I am so grateful for this new gadget. Now after Freddie, I am dreaming of Nirvana — the next gadget that would make my work easier. But that’s for next year, for now Freddie, Trinity, Olli and Pixma are my best friends that help me in my daily grind.

 

 

 

68

Happy 68th Birthday, Dad!

Oh yes, my dad is now 68 years old! I went to Batangas City to celebrate the occasion with them. As a matter of fact, I bought the cake and cooked dinner! Although my dad’s birthday is on the 12th, we celebrated his birthday on the 11th as I was going back to Manila.

The first thing that came to my mind was that, “Am I ever going to reach his age?” I wish that I could reach his age, but I do not wish to be thin and weak as my dad is now. I want to be strong and have the energy to keep doing the things that I do now. In fact, in the Inquirer Sunday Magazine, they just featured a 76 year old lady who is very buff and even won an award for fitness.

The second thing that I learned over the weekend is that my mother borrowed from several people just so that she could send money for our tuition fees in UP Diliman. Hmm, that really made me think. I remember that back in college, and even a few years after college I harbored resentment over the fact that I felt so left out over so many things. For instance, I never really appreciated the difficulty of living in a dorm that run out of water constantly. The solution to that was that I made friends with classmates who lived in Metro Manila. Whenever there was no water in the dorm in UP, I would just call them up and request if I could take a bath there. They would laugh at this request but nonetheless allow me to come over.

Or what about that one week that I had no money left in my wallet, and no idea where to eat? Somehow I managed to survive that week, by the sheer generosity of a teacher in UP who treated me out for a movie [I forgot the title, but the actor was Joaquin Phoenex bout a family and how his older brother was a love child of another man and falling in love with his half sister], from friends in the Christian fellowship who shared their meals over lunch , and I learned to memorize events that had book launches in UP and other events that could possibly serve free food. I really don’t care much about the event. I just pretended to care. I was there for the food. I wish I had a picture here to show you guys how skinny I was back then. I looked pathetic.

This and more made me feel jealous, envious and even bitter inside. I really felt like a complete hypocrite professing my faith and yet in my heart, I had sincere doubts that he cared about me. And yet as the years have passed, I was proven wrong. God does care for me, and hardships are important to build character and to test who we really are. That’s why whenever I experience difficulty in my work, I remind myself of college days. College was more difficult for me. I didn’t know my identity, I didn’t know who my real friends are, and I didn’t know what the hell I was going to do with the rest of my life.

Well, truth is, I still don’t know a lot of things. But I am more grateful with the blessings I have right now. For instance, I am grateful that I could eat the the restaurants that I like once in awhile. I am blessed with good friends who have defended me to their parents. I remember a friend of mine who was homophobic [well, he still is in some ways] but we became good friends for a time and when his family found out about me, they made jokes about me. He shared this to me and he told me he defended me. And I remember over the weekend that somebody freaked out that somebody mentioned my name on a blog and why I was there. Wow. Someone hates me enough to make a long distance call? Whoa! Still, I am grateful because my friend also defended me. I also remember how NOBODY in my family visited me during my knee operation or even HELPED financially and still my friend escorted me there and even took care of me for a few days. These simple gestures made me see that true love and friendship exists. And yes, even my church helped out with the finances [not much, but still they helped].

And so, out of the pain and tragedies of life, I am still able to see the light, and that is why I went home to Batangas for my dad’s birthday. I know it is kind of selfish, but I went home because I wanted to build more positive memories with my dad and family while they are still alive. I don’t go home regularly, but I do make it a point to go there during a special occasion. I do not expect much from them anymore, as I am more realistic now with what they can be for me in terms of emotional and moral support. Nevertheless, they are family and I would be a bad Christian if I can’t even extend crumbs of God’s grace to them. So there, I draw my love and energy from God and from the love that was given me in other words.

Besides, who else will be there for my dad? He already felt rejected by his own family, and he just couldn’t help making the same mistakes as he had no other role model to practice real love. So if I am the one who is aware of it, then I am the one who could do something about it. Furthermore, I am reminded how some of my friends fathers have passed away and how they try to recollect the memories that they had with their dads. Right now, I only have a handful of happy thoughts that I could cling on throughout my lifetime.

It’s one of the many reasons why I am holding back applying for a job abroad, as I really do want to try my luck out there. But right now, I am enjoying the in-betweens. I’m not going home for the Holy Week and probably in the next three months as I always need to prepare myself emotionally to go home. It’s not easy. Life never is. But life goes on, and thus begins another journey thru words and misadventures……

Genesis

For some reason, I just needed a change of blog. And that’s why I am here. I am no longer going to update my old blog. If ever I update the old one, I would probably be using it simply for academic purposes. But other than that, this would be my new home in cyberspace and I do hope that I would stay long at this particular address.

Tomorrow is the birthday of my dad, and I am hoping to upload some of the pictures here as well. For now, I welcome you to journey with me thru words and misadventures!